Pronouns Mini-Lesson

Hi friends, my name is Tessa O'Connell, my pronouns are she, hers, and if you have not met me yet, I am the Director of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, or DEI, and Leadership Development here at National Jewish Health.

As you may or may not know, June is Pride Month, and in honor of Pride Month, I wanted to bring y'all a little mini lesson on one of the most common questions that I get. It's to do with pronouns, and I think that it can all be boiled down to, "what is the deal with pronouns?" What are they, why are they important, and how do I ask somebody their pronouns?

So just to break it down very, very simplistically, and if you already know this, feel free to fast forward this part.

What is a pronoun? Well, it is actually a part of English grammar, and they are a generic noun that can represent any other type of noun. So pronouns that we hear a lot, examples, I, me, us, you, themselves, who, that. They are part of the eight traditional types of speech, and where pronouns tend to get a little bit sticky is in the third person when you are referring to somebody else. So that is when you run into the pronouns that stand in for somebody else's name.

So for example, if somebody is talking about me in the third person, they would refer to me as she, hers, Tessa, you know, whatever they want to do. If they are referring to somebody who identifies as male, they would refer to he, him, or by their name, John, Justin, you know, whatever. Where these become even more complicated is in gender identity.

So gender identity for the month of pride has to do with, we might have heard the term LGBTQIA+, and it is an acronym that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning, intersex, and asexual.

The plus sign at the end represents other identities that aren't explicitly listed, and these can be identities such as non-binary, pansexual, demisexual, aromatic, genderfluid, or agender.

I'm not really going to get into all that today.

I'm really just going to get into gender pronouns, why they're important, and how to ask people for their gender pronouns, because that is something that I know a lot of people have been asking for. There is no right way to ask someone for their pronouns. I know that that is not what people want to hear, but it's 100% true.

Gender identity, including gender identity, is so complicated because we have so many different social identities as individuals. It affects how we interact with and perceive the world. How these identities interact with one another is also called intersectionality, and the unique lived experiences that they engender means that everyone will have a different set of expectations in terms of how they want to be treated, what they expect from others, how they want to be respected, how the world should operate, and in general, what is the right way to do things. This is a term also known as positionality, if you're interested.

So when I tell folks that the best way to ask someone for their pronouns, because remember there is no right way, I know people feel unsatisfied and think, "well, I'm not going to do that, so thanks for nothing." But the important thing to remember about asking for gender pronouns, and this goes for all DEI work in general, is that it's not about being polite or being nice or even being polite. It's about doing the right thing.

So when I say the best way to ask someone for their gender pronouns is to say, "hi, my name is Tessa, my pronouns are she hers. What's your name and what are your pronouns?" Because believe it or not, that is the best way. I think people hope that I'm going to have something a little bit more profound and that my answer will be something that they can ask anyone in any situation and never offend anyone. But due to our unique social identities, there is never something that you can always say that won't offend someone.

So instead, we need to shift our expectations and reframe our thinking. Instead of doing what will make, instead of doing the thing that will make us better liked or trying not to offend anyone, we should focus on doing the right thing. And if you think about it, the right thing is calling people by their correct name and referring to them in the way that they choose.

Think about a time when someone called you by the wrong name, or if you have been unlucky enough to have this experience, think of a time when someone referred to you by the wrong gender identity.

This has happened to me. It happened to me one time when I was in high school, and it is something that I will never forget. It was already something that I was self-conscious of because I was a 5'11 swimmer with huge shoulders. I never wore makeup. I was always in sweats with my hair back because I was doing morning practices and evening practices and I was just exhausted all the time. So it was just something that was, it was very, I was very self-conscious about it. And I think that a lot of people are. And one day somebody was trying to hurt me and they called me a man.

This has stayed with me my entire life. I will never forget it. I will never forget the feelings of just humiliation and just, I was, I was rumored for a week and you know, it's something that I've had to constantly overcome in my adult life. I constantly think to myself, do I look like a man? And there's nothing wrong with that. The thing is that my gender identity is female. And if you respect me and if you want to be a kind human being, you will refer to me by my correct gender identity.

This is a lot of what DEI work is. Trying to put yourself into someone else's shoes and act in a way in which they expect you to act or they want you to act instead of acting in a way that makes you comfortable. So yeah, if you go around saying, "my name is Tessa and my pronouns are she, hers, what's your name and what are your pronouns?" you will absolutely get some weird looks. You will absolutely feel uncomfortable sometimes and you will absolutely get those people who don't answer or who don't engage because they don't think it's important or they think that it's obvious.

Now, here it is important to note that that is their choice not to answer. If somebody doesn't want to engage with you around pronoun identity, that is fine. You have done your due diligence and at that point, you refer to them by their name or their pronouns or kind of whatever you're comfortable with. You have you have checked all your boxes and you have done the best that you can do.

As a rule, if you get this response from somebody, pronouns are probably not an issue for them. This is probably not something they have struggled with. So your gut instinct in terms of their pronouns are probably going to be right.

However, if you still don't know, don't refer to that person by their pronouns. Only call them their name. And that's a really simple way to kind of get around it.

However, if you are brave and strong enough to put others first and be something that's called other centered and try to be truly inclusive in your workplace and in your life in general, you need to be vulnerable and brave and put yourself out there. And in the case of gender pronouns, that means risking not being liked by certain people because you are being kind and instead you are doing the right thing for those with marginalized identities who are constantly referred to by the wrong gender identity.

You are taking an extra step. You are making yourself uncomfortable and giving up a little bit of that power that you have in favor of making somebody else feel included and make of making somebody else feel seen. So that is my little mini lesson on gender pronouns. If you have any questions at all, please email me at diversityandinclusion@njhealth.org.

And I hope everybody has a very happy Pride Month, a wonderful summer. And thank you so much for tuning in. I will hope to see you all soon.

Bye bye.

Director of Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Tessa O'Connell provides a short lesson on pronouns & how to navigate them respectfully.